."I became a mommy first; before all Hell broke loose. She was perfect. Her dark hair and her dark eyes. She did nothing wrong, nothing to deserve a mommy like me. I fight with the words, "I'm a bad mom."
mental illness, postpartum psychosis, bipolar disorder, crazy, drug induced, Manic, bipolar, w/ psychotic features postpartum onset, PTSD, MAD!!!!!!! To cope, sometimes I call it spiritual warfare. GASP! That does NOT happen in my country. Mental Illness happens in The United States of America, but spiritual warfare? In God's country? I feel sometimes we are led to believe spiritual warfare only happens in tribal countries across the sea. WHY? And maybe IT IS all a misconception. Maybe not... Even as a social worker, working with severe mentally ill adults, I often questioned the fine line between mental illness and spiritual warfare. It seems as if when the mind looses control-it goes there. THERE-to spiritual things. Because of my story and my experience I know what THERE is and no matter how beautiful it may be at times, IT SUCKS! A beautifulmind?!? I saw a bumper sticker that I liked. I usually do not like bumper stickers, just not my thing, but this particular saying caught my eye. "We are spiritual beings living in a physical world." Shortly after having my daughter and being released from the psychiatric ward, I was still struggling. Relearning how to do simple task. Ones that were easy for me until this incident. I had to THINK EXTRA HARD ABOUT EVERYTHING...
I'm sure there are more, but for now that's plenty... In my trial a dear friend of mine came over to help take care of me and she wrote this down.. I asked her to write it down so I would not forget it later. "Lord, let me live my life in such a way that when my feet hit the ground in the morning Satan will shudder and say, 'Oh NO! She's awake!'" Guess who's still awake. A BEAUTIFUL MIND-what a mess. |
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July 2017
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