Pulling into the driveway, into the garage. She says to me. " Momma what am I allergic to?"
Her eyes light up with that sweet sparkle. "I know what I am allergic to! Broccoli and Carrots."
I respond "Just because you do not like something, does not mean you are allergic to it."
"I KNOW I AM. I am allergic to Broccoli and Carrots.!"
I chuckle," Okay baby, let's go in the house."
That was two years ago. I think she still believes she is allergic to most vegetables. I think I am allergic to Percocet. Percocet was the drug given to me by the medical professionals about 32 hours after having my beautiful baby girl. I have always felt that if I wasn't given this drug, then maybe I wouldn't have been blessed with the curse of postpartum psychosis.
I kept telling the nurses and the doctor that there was something wrong and I couldn't sleep. Most of the nurses looked at me funny and probably passed it off as first time mom hormones. The doctor wanted to send me home 1 1/2 day after having my cesarean but I kept telling him, "there is something wrong. You gave me something and I can't sleep."
He looked at me like I was an idiot. He looked at me, made eye to eye contact, put two thumbs up and said very sarcastically, "okay." He walked out of the room and later sent me home with a prescription for Percocet.
I have never used drugs or even drank alcohol but because of this prescription drug I was flying higher than a kite for the very first time in my life. Before I left the hospital I kept telling them that there was something wrong.
I kept telling them I couldn't sleep! I kept telling them they gave me something that was messing with my head! I was screaming out for help before all hell broke lose, and they just kept looking at me with that dumb look on their face. Damn it, why didn't they listen!
A part of me feels like they didn't care. They were just putting in their 12 hour shift, tired and ready to go home. Another part of me feels like they didn't know, it was just a mistake. The last part of me says if only one person would have listened to me before I went home from the hospital I wouldn't have endured the hell of postpartum psychosis!
Almost 8 years later and Percocet is definitely listed on my drug allergy list. Looking back it is evident that I was chosen for this beautiful mess. Some days are easier to accept it and embrace it than other days.
Today was hard. You would think after 8 years, this would all go away. It would be placed in a HUGE box, on a shelf in the back of my closet already collecting dust. It would be stored far far away, never to remember again. But no! It still haunts me.
Around this time of year, every year I feel the roller coaster of emotions begin to explode. It can be a smell, an atmosphere, a thought, a sound and boom it all comes rolling in. The thoughts of how crazy I was, how tortured I was still creep into my head and haunt me. And to think, all of this happened because I wanted to become a mommy!
I had hoped and even expected to experience motherhood in it's best and that was stolen from me. Postpartum Psychosis ripped it right out of my hands! No matter how well I cope, no matter how much I want it to go away and no matter how much I try to hide it within the depths of my soul, it still feels stolen from me. It hurts! It hurts real bad! It still hurts!