It was a nightmare except I was awake the whole time. I knew I needed sleep but my mind would not stop. Being checked into the psychiatric hospital, a nurse said to me, " Do you know you can live longer without food and water than you can without sleep?" I was there, it felt like death maybe worse.
When I sat in my prenatal class I remember the nurse talking about the baby blues but even when she spoke of it, it felt like taboo.
"Next week we are going to talk about something that is very important and it can be a touchy subject but I want you to know, it is possible, it might happen to you." It was like she was whispering it. We showed up to the class that next week and she spoke of how a woman might be emotional after having her baby but it was normal.
NO ONE ever told me I had the chance of losing my mind. In fact after coming home from the psychiatric hospital and going to my first OBGYN appointment, when I told the nurse I had Postpartum Psychosis she just looked at me funny and said, "How do you spell psychosis?"
I thought, "maybe if she was more aware, it wouldn't have been so torturous and traumatic for my family and I. Maybe she would have been more helpful when we called, crying out for help; and all she knew to do was point fingers and blame. Blame my family for leaving me at home by myself."
My husband and I always knew we wanted a family. We had been happily married 5 years and we were ready. I was nervous about becoming a mom but who isn't. I was also nervous about carrying another life inside of me and the process of getting that life into this world. I often had to remind myself , "women do it all the time and they survive." EVERY woman changes when she becomes a mommy. It is not a secret that childbirth is painful nor should it be a secret that postpartum psychosis is real.
MY STORY is painful, but it is real. POSTPARTUM PSYCHOSIS took everything from me. It stole my first memories of motherhood and turned them into a nightmare, never to be forgotten. I knew the "baby blues" were real and I expected to be emotional after having my baby. However, I NEVER expected to lose my mind. That nurse in my prenatal class tippy toed around the term "baby blues, " and even THAT term seemed as if it was taboo. "Knowledge puts and keeps you in control. It is the best antidote for feelings of helplessness."*
As a young adult I felt a strong calling to major in psychology. My dream was to someday be a Dr, a psychologist, to help abused & neglected children. At that time, if Iwould have glanced into my future I would of laughed and said, "Now that's funny GOD,, that is NOT possible, that will NEVER happen to me!"
My pregnancy was not exactly easy; healthy but not easy. I was nauseated and sick ALL 9 months. It was not just morning sickness. It could come any time of the day. Morning, noon or night.
I was excited and ready to become a mommy, but I was not ready to be pregnant. Media has a way of glorifying pregnancy. You go to the Emmy's pregnant, everyone dotes over your PREGNANT belly , you have your baby in 5 minutes. And then 2 months after you have your baby you are on the beach in the small bikini you wore before you had your baby. Ha! If only things really did happen the way we see it on TV.
Media lacks to tell you about the sleep deprivation, the sickness of being pregnant. The weird feeling that your body is changing in ways you never felt possible, the "out of body experience" you feel after no sleep and having a baby. However, it is not all bad...in fact it is a miracle.
God cursed Eve with the pains of childbearing but in His love He gave us a blessing that no MAN will ever be able to experience. The first time you feel your baby move inside you is like no other. That first flutter, those kicks and hands moving are amazing. We women sacrifice those bikini's for something so much greater! And even through the pain and hardness of childbearing, we do it again and again for the love of our children!
And yes, I would do it all again for her, for my child. Psychosis and all. That's the love you don't understand until you become a mommy. It's where I am made in His image, the image of God. Because of postpartum psychosis, I went through hell. I DIED to self. I experienced the pain in child bearing, not in the "physical" realm but in the spiritual and mental realm. I went to hell and back and yes I would do it all again for those pretty brown eyes that light up when she tells me a story. I am made in HIS likeness. He sent His Son to die on a Cross, He sent His Son to hell and back.....and I don't get it, but yet I do.....
HELL IS NOT A PRETTY PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!! In my world, I could only tolerate it in BLACK and WHITE. There is NO COLOR in HELL.......I did not go there alone.. My Savior was there with me the whole time. he was the 4th man in the fire. He did not like it either but HE NEVER Left Me!!!!!!!
I'll never forget those doors. They were wooden and reached from the ceiling to the floor, no windows just a small green sign with the visiting hours posted. The were locked. Not even the security guard that "escorted" me up to the floor would enter in. He picked up a phone on the wall outside those doors and said, "She's ready." I bent down and kissed my newborn baby girl. She was tucked in her punkin seat, her body still curled up as if she was stilll in my womb. Except she wasn't. SHE was in in this fallen world. I'm thankful she did not enter the doors of hell......hopefully she never will, I would SACRIFICE MY LIFE for her to ALWAYS see COLOR.
"IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST SATAN GO BEHIND ME!!!!!!" WORDS I SAID, ROCKING, back and forth half dressed, on my bed when i was trying to get ready to go to my baby's first dr's appointment. Good momma's go to their baby's first pediatric apointment with their babies. I WANTED TO GO. My family kept telling me I might not be able to go in. WHY?????? She was my baby....momma's go in. I did not understand it. I quoted God's Holy words, nothing was taking it away, not even God's Holy Word. It helped, but to my family; it was twisted. It was taken out of context.
My family saw HELL too. I could see their concern, I tried to protecct them. I tried to explain the hell that they saw in me, but NOTHING was working, except for the Spirit.....the Spirit that lives in me is HOLY. HE ALLOWED it, but HE NEVER LEFT ME, not even in hell. HE WALKED THRU THE DOORS WITH ME, the locked doors that NOONE could walk thru, not even that security guard that just watched.
That security guard, with a GUN in his holster, watched. I don't think security guards in jail can carry guns. OH YEAH this was not jail it was HELL. I guess in America you can't shoot criminals , but you can shoot crazy people. He watched my groom and I embrace and weep, sob like NEVER before and hopefully NEVER again. I SENSED THAT EVEN HE HAD TO LOOK AWAY because it was a horrific sight.
I too had to turn away, I kissed her, she smelt like she was suppose to. She smelt like a brand new baby. She looked perfect, like a baby still in her mother's womb. She was tucked away in her "punkin' seat." And she in that moment was PEACE. I kissed her. Through my WEEPING TEARS, I whispered to her, "momma loves you." I turned away never to look back the same. I died, to self for my baby girl and walked through those doors, the doors of HELL. I would not come out the same, I am forever changed. Through those doors there is no color, only black and white....I wonder if that's why that security guard had to pick up the phone for me to enter. He could not bear it, so He was given a GUN.....and a phone attached to the wall and words....."She's Ready."
THOSE doors that reached from the ceiling to the floor opened. I could no longer look back, my SAVIOR walked me thru those doors, and then boom. I heard it! It locked! Psychiatric Unit-F6-HELL!!!
No color, black and white. No baby, no husband, no mommy, no daddy, no brothers, no sister, no sister in laws, no nieces.....just hell and MY SAVIOR. HE was with me in the black and white fire the WHOLE time. HE GOES behind locked doors. And he does not even need a gun. All he needs is a child that loves HIM. HE loves me and He is here. I AM PEACE>I AM LIFE>I AM BLACK AND WHITE. I AM GOD. I LOVE YOU, my child and yes I WAS THERE. I HOLD KEYS<and even I can walk thru locked doors. Awesome!!!!!!! No words, just PEACE.....thanks I AM. :)